hap·py

ADJECTIVE:
hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est

  1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
  2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
  3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
  4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
    1. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy.
    2. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.

Ok so what is happiness exactly? Happiness is such a subjective, term, yet so powerful. We are all in the lifelong pursuit to be happy. But what IS IT? I mean we all know when we’re happy. And we all know when we’re UNhappy. *if you say happy enough times, it starts to sound weird HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY haha*. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.

My goal, like so many others, is to be happy. So next question: What will make me happy?

Ok well…. making more money (check), providing for my son (check). After that….it starts to get a little fuzzy. I mean obviously in the grand scheme of things winning the lottery, starting my own business, buying a big house, having a nice car, giving my son everything he needs equates sublime happiness for me. Does that mean happiness=money? (I am starting to be convinced it may be for me) Not having money has been one of the most stressful things in my life. And I mean STRESSSS – rip my hair out, jump out a window, bang my head against the wall stress.

That stress led me to push myself ridiculously hard to make more money. Then I did. So now the next step is to be buying everything my family needs, (working on it).

So then what happens then? Next step: Buy a house. Ok well…i recently took a big girl pill and looked at my credit report. Not as bad as I had anticipated. So now it’s time to build my credit. Got a spankin new credit card and am paying off old bills. Ok so….we’re on our way to buying a house (possibly a new car in the future as well).

Then yesterday I realized: I’m not happy. So… time for a personality make over. Reaching out to old friends, trying to mend bridges. Trying to be a better friend. Trying to be a better person.

So my question is…..when am I going to be happy?? Getting all of these things on my list does not guarantee happiness. I keep setting goals and achieving them and still…nothing. I do things that I enjoy, spending time with my family, taking care of them, cooking. Ok I do enjoy that. But then my sister showed me something. Maybe in my fight to push to be happy…i realy AM happy…but i’m to focused on BEING happy pushing for it, i don’t see it.

Was I happy all along and just didn’t see it? Wouldn’t I know it if I was happy? Was I wrong all along about what would make me happy? What WILL make me happy? What is happiness????? *notice how we’re back to the original question?….yea. *sigh.

At this point. I think my sister is right. When you are in a crisis mode, you automatically go into survival mode. You scratch and claw and fight until your knuckles are bloody to survive. You push and push and push harder, harder, harder to get to a better place. So …now that I’m IN that better place….I need to stop pushing. Take a look around me and BREATHE. Give myself a chance to BE happy. To enjoy the things I enjoy. I’m working to be happy. We all are. But that doesnt mean we can’t stop and smell the roses on the way there, and who knows….maybe that IS happiness.